The Grandfather
As any self respecting ex-drug fiend hell bent on their spiritual re-awakening, I’ve been intrigued by plant medicine for a little while. As a man of excitable extremes I signed up to an Ayahuasca retreat whilst I was in the dark depths of burnout - “looking for answers’. Anyone could tell you this is the wrong way to approach Ayahuasca, but thankfully the gods were smiling on me - one week before the journey, the house in which the retreat was being hosted burnt down and it was cancelled. Bullet officially dodged. Anyone who knows about Ayahuasca can inform you it’s not something to be taken likely, and not something you should look for answers in (especially when you’re in a dark place). You need to feel called towards it. To be far along enough on your spiritual journey to appreciate the magnitude and privilege it offers.
Being saved from the Ayahuasca only fueled my thirst for a plant medicine experience. As any self respecting English lad I obviously abused magic mushrooms when I was younger, had an awful trip, and ever since I’ve taken them I find there’s a severe uncomfortable certainty in knowing where one wrong turn can take you.
Then I heard of San Pedro – The Grandfather. Ayahuasca is the Grandmother – truth telling, but can often be harsh and intense. Mushrooms are the children – playful but unpredictable. But then there’s San Pedro – Gentle, stable and truth telling. This sounded a lot more aligned with where I am on my journey, and when my friend recommended someone who does guided San Pedro journeys walking my favorite hike in Cape Town (Orange Kloof), I was fucking all over it. Let’s gooooooo.
Not the ideal start
A week before the journey I get a call from a girl I was dating a few months ago. I wonder what this could possibly be? “Hey Si, just to let you know the journey you signed up to is actually being run by my ex, and I’m also going to be on it”. Great.
Having taken a bit of time to get over her, the lower version of myself would’ve politely cancelled and said “maybe I’ll do it some other time, hope you have a great time, etc, etc”. But fuck that. My higher version is coming out more and more these days, and he doesn’t let stuff like this side track him. Besides, he’s feeling good about himself, has moved on and has taken the time to observe, reflect and learn from the end of that relationship. “OK cool, I’m excited, see you there”. Higher self activated.
So the Friday before the journey on Sunday, Simon decides to go speed dating. And it turns out Simon quickly realizes he’s not ready to be speed dating. And 3 guesses for what Simon does? That’s right - drinks. This does not end well (and is a whole other post), but needless to say being incredibly hungover the day before the journey is not ideal. However, I stick to my light vegetarian diet the night before, get a good nights sleep and head down to the meeting point for 8am.
Aaaand we’re off
There turns out to be around 8 people on this journey, including the girl, her ex, her best friend, and evidentially a few other people she knows. I become aware I’m firmly in the depths of her territory. But it’s cool. Everyone is lovely, super chilled, and I’m excited for the day. After about 30 mins of walking, we stop to do our opening circle where we share our intentions for the journey. I wasn’t actually prepared for this, but shared with the group how I’m trying to be kinder to myself, and this will be my intention for the day. The opening circle was also a great way to get to know people better, and shortly after we shared, we drank the medicine on got on our merry way.
Nature’s great symphony
I would say I started to feel the effects of the San Pedro after about an hour of walking. It was very gentle coming on – not like a LCD or mushroom trip, in which I often get a bit panicky. There were no body temperature issues and visualizations were pretty chilled. Nature just started to look, feel and sound so incredible. At one point we had to take our shoes off to walk through a stream, and for me, this was the turning point. For the next 6 hours I basically turned into a little feral hobbit creature exploring the habitats of middle earth. I have never felt so connected to nature. I walked and climbed rocks and trees in bare feet for the rest of the day with zero fear or pain. The symphony of nature was so pleasantly overwhelming and I convinced myself I could hear individual trees. I even made peace with spiders (for a few hours at least).
What about my intention?
After 2/3rds of the journey I realized I hadn’t focused on my intention. I had been so focused on the beauty of nature I hadn’t thought once about my intention. I found San Pedro to not be the most introspective medicine, but instead a beautiful connector of external senses. It really tapped into the primal human in me. Climbing some fairly sketchy rock faces and trees felt like I was born to do it, and not one ounce of fear was in me when I found myself precariously perched 15 meters above the ground.
At one point I spent an hour sitting on a rock in a stream meditating. It was one of the most peaceful, kind and connected moments I’ve had. It was beautiful. I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. But it was short lived.
Over the hump
It was shortly after this that I felt like I had peaked on the medicine and was on the other side. It was also at this point where I started to notice the girl. I became aware of her, and especially the evident intimacy she still has with her ex. It started to become something I noticed and it affected my mood. I started to feel melancholy and a bit sad. This reached a crescendo at the closing circle where it became very obvious how special her relationship with her ex still is, and how sacred the place is to them. To be honest, I felt like a right cunt sat there listening to it, and I thought “why do I put myself in these situations?”. Whilst I had got over this girl, I still viewed it as a huge missed opportunity, and it brought back a lot of thoughts and emotions.
There’s a bit of a long tail on San Pedro, so the effects last up to 24-48 hours after. After we finished the closing circle I decided to stay on the mountain on my own for a bit longer to reflect. This only added to the feelings of melancholy and sadness. And after realizing I was going home to be on my own, what was an amazing experience, turned very sad. I’ve done psychedelics before and there are very often emotional feelings after, often caused by sheer mental and emotional fatigue. There was obviously an element of this, but I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
The summary
The next few days I felt better and began to laugh to myself about the absurdity of the situation - Who knew that doing a psychedelic journey with your ex and her ex was going to throw up some funny feelings? But the clarity I got over the next few days was incredible. I’ve suffered most of my adult life from loneliness, feelings of not being worthy and constantly trying to please other people whilst negating my own needs. I came to realize that it wasn’t her I was feeling sad about. As the latest person to have a relationship with, she had just come to personify and represent all my beliefs around loneliness and worthiness. Because she’s the most recent, she’s the current face of it. It wasn’t her, it was what she represents.
In conclusion I would not recommend doing a psychedelic plant medicine journey with a recent ex and their ex – there’s just too much potential for weird energy in a very intimate setting. However on this occasion, despite the fact I ended it feeling very sad, I actually learned a lot about myself. The nature walk side of it was incredible too. I would highly recommend a San Pedro nature walk to anyone who is thinking about Ayahuasca or mushrooms, but is a little nervous. It’s a more gentle introduction to the plant medicine world – The GrandFather.
